No sex for me!

Five days ago my husband declares “I’m not having sex for three weeks!”

I’m not sure which sound appeared louder to me at that moment, the sound of imaginary brakes screeching or my own laughter. Ha ha ha… ya right.

Caught up in how hysterical it was that my man, Mr. Pervert, was actually under the impression that he could refrain from sex for three full weeks, completely overshadowed the obvious question that I should have been asking, Why?? My mind hadn’t even got there yet when the plot thickens.

“In fact,” he says with a proud grin on his face, “I’m not even going to cum for three weeks. No sex, no jerking off, no porn, nothing.”

The laughter has stopped, my smile has melted and I look deeply into his chocolate-brown eyes, “Who are you and what have you done with my husband?”

“I’m serious. I read an article by Men’s Health that said if you didn’t cum for three weeks, your next orgasm would be out of this world!”

“Uh uh, no way, you can’t go three DAYS without getting the shakes, you won’t pull this one off…” I’m a terribly unsupportive naysayer.

“I’m gonna try! Look at me! Looks who’s got his own little sex experiment going on!” He’s looking far too proud of himself for me to point out that he can’t become a scientist by process of osmosis, that because I self-promoted myself this week to being a bona-fide real sex scientist, being merely in my presence does not a scientist make. (Click here to read Sex Toy Tuesday: The Dildo)

I’ll be honest, I quickly disregarded this bogus conversation. Based on my own clinical relationship with this patient, my hypothesis was that he was going to fail miserably and probably do so by the time the sun set tomorrow.

The next day at work, Hubby calls to see how my day is going and to gloriously proclaim that it was day two and that he hadn’t cracked under the pressure… yet. Good boy, I assure him. I say the same thing the next day, and yesterday as well after his ejaculatory status report.

Frankly, I haven’t had time to miss the sex. It’s been a hell week at work, a tough week personally, and my stress levels have been very very high. Hubby has been working nights all week as well, so Mr. Perv and I haven’t seen each other for more than 10 minutes a day for the last four days. Today, after an extremely hard day, I come home half an hour early than I would normally get the kids off the school bus, to throw myself under the covers and wallow, only to find Mr. Pervert laying under the covers watching The Golf Network. Crawling in beside him, I start to spill tears and details about my hard day and the issues I am struggling with.

“Take off your shirt.” He instructs me. “Then your bra.”

Wait a second! I had the shit day but you’re going to get a boobie fix? What the fuck?

“Lay on your tummy. I’m gonna give you a back rub…” He says affectionately. I dreamy sigh in my head. When he’s done with my back he rolls me over to work on my neck and I can feel him staring at my naked tits. Our kids are at school and massage is a likely predecessor to foreplay and/or sex. I ponder, Will he hold up? He does. Once the massage is over he occupies himself with getting ready to go to work and I go get the kids from the bus stop.

My husband is an emergency responder, so before he leaves to go on shift, our hugs and kisses are always much longer than the typical ‘hug my husband goodbye as he heads to the office’ type couple. Nine times out of ten he cops a feel, smacks my butt, squeezes my boob or thumbs my nipple during our goodbye embrace. Today as he hugged me he was all about my nipples.

“Day five!” He says.

“Unbelievable!”

“I know! It’s kind of cool though… I can’t get enough of you, just to touch you and feel your body is soooo sensuous!” He’s still thumbing my nipple during this whole conversation.

“That’s tantric, baby! That’s why I can’t wait to learn tantric sex. I’m horny and sexually charged on a good day, imagine that plus delayed gratification??”

It’s been about an hour since he left for work and I’ve been thinking… there are some serious pros and cons to having another sexperiment under our belt.

The pro is that I don’t have to have sex for three weeks. The con is that I don’t get to have sex for three weeks.

I’m on the fence on this one.

Mad Scientist

Oh the things I'll do for you...

As mentioned in my inaugural post (Click here to read Woman), not only is blogging very new to me, so is writing.

I have no experience or training whatsoever, in fact, the last time I wrote and received feedback for it, I was in high school and it was the early 1990’s. I hated writing. I was the “math and science” type who excelled in the sciences and graduated with the Mathematics Award of Excellence. In my current profession, I deal with numbers, budgets, spreadsheets, and project management.

Not surprisingly, during the first week of my new blog, I have already decided to introduce one of the many tricks I have up my sleeve with regards to the direction I want to take this blog and the reasons that I chose to do it.

First of all, I chose to blog because writing almost every day and displaying your posts for feedback are an invaluable learning tool. Like many bloggers, I’m doing this to hone my writing skills, establish a niche, find my voice, and perhaps inspire and entertain along the way.

I’ve had a chance to peruse a few dozen other blogs to better understand the idea or basic principle behind it. I’ll be honest, it is not my intention to write to you every day. I think people’s lives are busy enough, and there are some days we don’t even get the chance to touch base with our loved ones, never mind anonymous little me. As well, writing these posts is something that I am growing to love… what better way to destroy a desire than to make it a burden.

Now… as much as I am doing this to improve my writing skills and embrace creative expression, I ask myself, “What’s in it for my reader?”

I asked myself, “Self, what do you want from a blog?”

I want to be entertained. I want to learn. I want to relate. I want to think. I want to read a blog, and for the rest of my day, be reflecting on it, deciding my stance on it, and learning more about myself through it. Do I want to open your eyes to the amazing and infinite ways that a woman is blessed to be a woman? Oh yes, yes I do. Would it tickle me pink if at least one person read my blog and were encouraged to embrace their sexuality and the power that comes with that? Hallelujah!

What’s more, I’ve decided to have a little fun with it along the way.

Consider this a throw back to my “I love Science” high school days, or just a great excuse to have some fun, but I am offering myself up to your mercy. I want to be your Guinea Pig. Once a month, I intend to conduct investigative experiments relative to all things girly.

• Have you ever considered laser hair removal? I have, and I’ve done it. I intend to investigate all means of hair removal (waxing, sugaring, threading, lasering, etc) and compare results and conclusions.
• The Ultimate Sex Toy – I will purchase and test drive the newest or most popular sex toys on the market, and provide my honest feedback as to which one really packs a punch. (*sigh* Gosh, I am not looking forward to that…)
• Too many orgasms – what tires first, your hand or your clit?
• Mud, algae, seaweed, sugar, hot oil wraps – what felt the best and had the best results?
• One week of chocolate – ok, truth be told, I haven’t come up with a game plan for this one yet. I just want to eat chocolate for a week because you told me to.
• And any and all test-drives or experiments that my reader’s request. Dying to know how many married men will take the bait if I try to pick them up in a grocery store? Alright, let’s put it to the test!

You get the point. Once a month, I will enjoy being your soldier. How fun will this be?

So here is my first hypothesis: Researching what any woman wants to know is going to be a blast. Conclusion: How could it not!