LOL: Laugh out Lousy

Aren’t we all entitled to a rant now and then? Sure, I could be all sunshine and lollipops, or in my case lingerie and lubricants, but that’s just not me. This dragon has got a little fire in her and we all need a release now and then, don’t we?

I despise the techno lingo term “LOL”. Certainly not if it is used in it’s actually intention, but I’m convinced that LOL is probably one of the most misused “words” in our vocabulary. The abuse of LOL is rampant, and for those who despise passive aggression, it’s a chronic bee in our bonnet. Since when can we tack LOL on the end of a sentence and not be held accountable for the tone or words that preceded it?

Annoyed by an email that I received yesterday, I turned to my friend Maija and her big blue bottle of gin with tonic. “Am I missing something?? If I garnish my sentence with ‘No offence but…’ or ‘LOL’, is that really a license to hide behind passive aggression?”

The ice clinked in our glasses as she explained to me, “Some people speak in a manner which I refer to as my Southern Belle. It’s how you get away with saying something – without really saying something.”

“No doubt, I know I lack diplomacy. Can’t really say that I want it. But I just have no time or patience for that method of dialogue.” Big sip. I spend the rest of the day silently debating the Southern Belle concept. Hm. The notion is just not sitting well with me.

I mean no disrespect or offense, but I think fat people are disgusting. I just don’t understand how they can be that size and wonder if they have any desire to take better care of themselves. I’m just curious…. maybe I’ll email one and really try to understand it? LOL!

Don’t stone me to death. The above citation is not reflective of me, and I have provided it for instructional purposes only. I ask you – Did starting my message with “I mean no offense” protect you from the offensive nature of my words? Did “I’m just curious” give me permission to feel justified with regards to why I would email a “fat person”? Did LOL at the end of my message lighten the tone or give you the impression that I was actually chuckling to myself at the thought of this?

No.

I’m convinced that the elimination of LOL from our vernacular would either force us to choose our words more closely, or literally respond to humourous stimuli with “Ha ha ha… thanks for the giggle!”

What’s got my panties in a bunch? Ugh… let me tell you. Yesterday, pre-Maija and gin vent session, I receive this Facebook email from my husband’s cousin:

I have to ask you, what is the fascination with writing about sex and all of its details? I am curious as to where the idea came from and why of all things detail something so private. I mean no disrespect, hope my question doesn’t come across that way, I am curious. I have to say I am shocked to learn about family in this way and know lots of family is reading. What does ****(Hubby) think? lol I can just see his face.

Given that at least half of my subscribers are friends from the blogosphere, I’m sure you can appreciate the offensive nature of her  message. Besides the obvious, what-happens-in-blog-land-stays-in-blog-land, this note was laden with passive aggression.

• I have to ask you – you do? Why’s that?
• what is the fascination with writing about sex and all of its details – did you not read my inaugural post (click here to read Woman) that introduced my blog? I thought it was quite clear…
• I am curious as to where the idea came from – I’m curious about whether one of my neighbours is a swinger, but it doesn’t give me the right to ask and hide behind curiosity.
• why of all things detail something so private – This is where I saw red. “Of all the things you could write about, why something as private as sex??” The “How could you?!?” tone here is thick.
• I mean no disrespect, hope my question doesn’t come across that way – a buffer. Bullshit.
• I have to say I am shocked to learn about family in this way and know lots of family is reading – again with the ‘have to say’… hmmm… why is that? Regardless, this sentence made smoke steam from my ears. Let me explain why…

I blog anonymously. My name, as well as the names of my husband and children, are never used. I’m Wife, he is Hubby, and any pictures that are used for publication are random images of strangers. The very first post that I had written (Woman), I sent to a handful of women that I was friends with on Facebook with the exact caption “If this is something that interests you!!” I gave them the opportunity to get a very clear picture of what my blog was about and gave them the option to subscribe if they liked it, ignore if they didn’t.

Aside from those Facebook gal-pals, my blog is private and discreet. Imagine my SHOCK, screw her shock, that “lots of family is reading”. First off, who exactly are these people, and how did they know that I have a sexually explicit blog?? And before you get the impression that I’m chilling at his family reunion with a Scarlett letter on my forehead, the last time my husband saw his non-immediate family was at our wedding 10 years ago, besides the cousin in question. If anything, wouldn’t I be concerned about MY families approval? It just so happens that my only brother’s wife adores my blog. Aware that she is my subscriber, I touch base to make sure that her comfort level is fine and to give her fair warning.

Despite my ample warnings, after receiving this email, I checked my list of subscribers to see who exactly IS receiving my blog and to delete any shocked family members. Imagine my surprise when there weren’t any! Which means that if any of them are reading my blog, either they have to physically type in my domain name and look me up, OR actually click on a link to get to me! So they are going out of their way to read my material, but hating every minute of it… am I the only one who is perturbed by this?

I responded back to cousin with all of my above concerns, and posted a copy of the exact text from my introductory blog.

Please do consider yourself warned: This blog will not be for everybody. There will be, without question, significant sexual content. Sexuality is bar none my favourite part of being a woman, and I expect to discuss that extensively. There isn’t a whole lot, in this forum, that I deem inappropriate, given that the measure of whether content is appropriate is in regards to its suitability or pertinence to the discussion. I don’t intend to ‘check my words’… I may call them breasts, I may call them tits. I have liberal opinions on pornography, and even more permissive sentiments on masturbation. I respectfully forewarn you that I mean no offence, and if candid marital, emotional or sexual content is not your cup of tea, then neither am I.

As for the rest of you…

I also referred back to:

“People who know me are acquainted with my candour and undefended honesty, and whether it be my strength or my weakness, I’m generally not afraid to embarrass myself in the process. Rather than trip over my words or regret saying them altogether, I want to be the girl who loves as if she has never been hurt, sings as if no one is listening, and dances as if no one is watching. Today I am going to write as if no one is reading.” I once heard a seasoned and renowned sensual sculptor say “I create art as if my parents will never see it.” Fear of judgement or scrutiny destroy your craft. For it to be raw, primal and real, it must be done with judicial abandon.

I won’t warn you again. I’m not for every body. If you are a relative of my husband, and care to hear about our sexual experiments, fill your boots. Hubby and I are having a blast with this blog and neither one of us holds any fear or shame.

If what you have learned thus far is shocking, I suggest you divert your eyes from now on… especially since this week I am STOKED to kick off my “Ode to a penis” week. LOL! (Ah-hem – I mean, Ha ha ha! You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!)

Mad Scientist

Oh the things I'll do for you...

As mentioned in my inaugural post (Click here to read Woman), not only is blogging very new to me, so is writing.

I have no experience or training whatsoever, in fact, the last time I wrote and received feedback for it, I was in high school and it was the early 1990’s. I hated writing. I was the “math and science” type who excelled in the sciences and graduated with the Mathematics Award of Excellence. In my current profession, I deal with numbers, budgets, spreadsheets, and project management.

Not surprisingly, during the first week of my new blog, I have already decided to introduce one of the many tricks I have up my sleeve with regards to the direction I want to take this blog and the reasons that I chose to do it.

First of all, I chose to blog because writing almost every day and displaying your posts for feedback are an invaluable learning tool. Like many bloggers, I’m doing this to hone my writing skills, establish a niche, find my voice, and perhaps inspire and entertain along the way.

I’ve had a chance to peruse a few dozen other blogs to better understand the idea or basic principle behind it. I’ll be honest, it is not my intention to write to you every day. I think people’s lives are busy enough, and there are some days we don’t even get the chance to touch base with our loved ones, never mind anonymous little me. As well, writing these posts is something that I am growing to love… what better way to destroy a desire than to make it a burden.

Now… as much as I am doing this to improve my writing skills and embrace creative expression, I ask myself, “What’s in it for my reader?”

I asked myself, “Self, what do you want from a blog?”

I want to be entertained. I want to learn. I want to relate. I want to think. I want to read a blog, and for the rest of my day, be reflecting on it, deciding my stance on it, and learning more about myself through it. Do I want to open your eyes to the amazing and infinite ways that a woman is blessed to be a woman? Oh yes, yes I do. Would it tickle me pink if at least one person read my blog and were encouraged to embrace their sexuality and the power that comes with that? Hallelujah!

What’s more, I’ve decided to have a little fun with it along the way.

Consider this a throw back to my “I love Science” high school days, or just a great excuse to have some fun, but I am offering myself up to your mercy. I want to be your Guinea Pig. Once a month, I intend to conduct investigative experiments relative to all things girly.

• Have you ever considered laser hair removal? I have, and I’ve done it. I intend to investigate all means of hair removal (waxing, sugaring, threading, lasering, etc) and compare results and conclusions.
• The Ultimate Sex Toy – I will purchase and test drive the newest or most popular sex toys on the market, and provide my honest feedback as to which one really packs a punch. (*sigh* Gosh, I am not looking forward to that…)
• Too many orgasms – what tires first, your hand or your clit?
• Mud, algae, seaweed, sugar, hot oil wraps – what felt the best and had the best results?
• One week of chocolate – ok, truth be told, I haven’t come up with a game plan for this one yet. I just want to eat chocolate for a week because you told me to.
• And any and all test-drives or experiments that my reader’s request. Dying to know how many married men will take the bait if I try to pick them up in a grocery store? Alright, let’s put it to the test!

You get the point. Once a month, I will enjoy being your soldier. How fun will this be?

So here is my first hypothesis: Researching what any woman wants to know is going to be a blast. Conclusion: How could it not!